Mary Long is a hypocrite
   She does all the things that she tells us not to do
   Selling filth from a corner shop
   And knitting patterns to the high street queue
   She paints roses, even makes them smell good
   And then she draws titties on the khazy wall
   Drowns kittens just to get a thrill
   And writes sermons in the Sunday Chronicle
     How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
   When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?
     Mary told Johnny not to write such trash
   Said it was a waste of public money
   She made a fuss, they made apologies
   But everybody thought the show was funny
   When the nation knew you'd had children
   It came as such a surprise
   We really didn't know you'd had it in you
   How you did it we can only surmise
     How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
   When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?
     Mary Long, you're not alone
   But you're a long way behind our times
   What we do in full frontal view
   Is more honest than your clean-up mind
   What I'm saying, Mary Long is
   When you can spare a minute
   Go find your friend the porny Lord
   Dig your self a hole and jump in it
     How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
   When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?